I can’t believe its been almost four weeks since my surgery! I am in an airplane traveling from NY to LA with little sleep, but I feel just fine. I get up to stretch every hour– doctors orders. I find myself deep in thought, it’s interesting I have spent most of my life tight lipped and not exposing myself and yet here I sit writing on this blog. I have learned as I break open once again that we are all in this together–my thoughts, desires, mistakes are not so unique.
I feel this silence within in me that I can’t explain. I know my body is working
diligently to heal itself, I just wish it would hurry a bit. I continue to find myself running out of energy, but not as quickly; when I overdo it, it can be painful– however when I rest the pain subsides. The doctor told me, it can be unsettling when a healthy person goes in for donor surgery.
I’m busy taking inventory on where I’ve been and where I am going. I feel so disappointed in this relationship that recently ended. How do you find yourself in love with a man, so trusting in that person only to be left wondering what is and what was. Are we all driven by fear? Fear of loss, fear of money, fear of being alone? I have learned so much about myself. I am responsible for my 50% in this relationship– in that I didn’t hang on to me, I didn’t trust my gut that was screaming at me from the inside and simply choose not to see what was in front of me. And even with all of this I wanted it to work, I finally had to face the bending was one sided. I had hoped we would find what we once had when I moved out; instead I found the truth in both him and myself.
I have lived my life fearlessly, whether its business, relationships, traveling to a new place or this surgery in donating my kidney. My biggest joy has been raising my two sons Juliun and Cory. For them I hoped they would experience this big world, be compassionate and judge less. Overall be good brothers, sons, husbands, friends and fathers. To know who they are in this world and trust that– to work hard, to love fearlessly and give back to less fortunate and finally not take themselves to seriously. Always know that each of us matter in this world and most of all they are deeply loved.
I know our life experiences often define us. I was raised in a highly controlled environment where we feared using our voice or making the wrong move. At the same time we were taught education was key and more importantly we can accomplish whatever we want in this world. It’s an interesting combination if you think about it and one that could leave you frozen in your tracks. Lucky for me I chose to be more adventurers.
Loosing my first son Kyle when he was just three weeks old was heartbreaking. To lose a child that I had wanted so much was difficult at 24 years of age I couldn’t understand this kind of loss. Like most young people I thought we were invincible. Like everything in life we are at choice in how these events will define us. For me I knew my sons life would not be in vain, I can still feel him in my arms, Kyles short life led me to become a more compassionate person.
Having a soft place to land are gifts we give to one another. For me it’s a dear friend that comes to my home on a rainy night so I don’t feel alone and then a very early drive to the airport to catch a 6:00 am flight to la. Being in the glow of those I love as I get off the plane to be with my kids and family in LA is a gift.
What I know for sure is that when life breaks us open– we feel more, we are more present, more compassionate, more grateful and better prepared for the next adventure.